Show Your Diamond You Care (A Humorous How-To Guide)

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Diamonds might be the hardest material on earth, but they can still be damaged.  While that may not initially make a ton of sense, they can be scratched by other diamonds, and even less dense substances if a great amount of pressure is applied.  Now that we’ve gotten that brilliantly explained lesson in physics out of the way, we can get down to the brass tacks on how to provide your diamond with the (loving) care it deserves.

Where to keep your diamond when you’re not dazzling your peers with it:

Much like a crazy aunt, the best place to store a diamond is in a padded box.  For instance, the one it originally came in (hence, why it originally came in that box…).  A bad place to keep your inactive diamond would be in a rusty metal crate stuffed with other diamond jewelry, in the back of a Jeep with poor suspension as it travels down a bumpy road.  In general, it’s not smart to keep your diamond next any other gemstones (as they most likely will vie for the coveted spot of “who is the fairest one of all” and scratch each other and fight to the death like rabid MMA fighters in a cage.)  You may also want to wrap your diamond in felt, soft cloth, bubble wrap, styrofoam balls, chinchilla pelts or a down comforter originally slept on by Cleopatra, or Liz Taylor (at the time that she played Cleopatra).

Protecting your diamond as you show it off all over town:

A general rule about wearing your diamond is don’t.  That is, if you are engaging in gardening, housecleaning (chlorine bleach can damage it, as well as hydrochloric acid (if you work in a lab), and hot volcanic lava (if you live/vacation in Hawaii)), bungee jumping (if you are bad at it), and existing (just by touching your diamond you can get oils on it which will dull its surface.)  The bottom line is that your diamond is just like the germanely named Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; it’s very tough, but can also be sensitive (see the film: “The Tooth Fairy”).

One trick many a savvy diamond ring adorner employs while engaging in rigorous activities is to turn their ring around so their stone is protected by their palm.  This is especially helpful when spiking a volleyball or walking through a seedy neighborhood, like Manhattan’s “Upper East Side” or Los Angeles’s “Malibu.”

Cleansing away the filth that has attached itself to your precious diamond:

Cleaning your diamond at home is a breeze.  To remove the disgusting oily build up that has accumulated on your diamond and give it a “Facet Lift,” simply mix some tepid water with a sprinkling of tangy ammonia and violá: instant diamond cleanser/pesticide.  If you are feeling particularly arcadian, feel free to use good ole fashioned window cleaner, just like Ma used to make.  You can use a toothbrush (soft bristles only for the love of god) to gently scrub away any lingering grime or wads of chewing gum still stuck to the surface.

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also smart to clean hands sometimes

Keeping your diamond from escaping:

Some diamonds seem as if they want to break free and return to their families in the mines from whence they came.  They simply don’t understand that their siblings have been scattered around the globe, in various types of jewelry (and for the less brilliant ones, in *gasp* industrial machinery), and are best suited in the ring you have lovingly placed them in.  In some circumstances, the prongs from your mounting can come loose and your diamond can fall out and be lost and sad and scared.  Don’t let this happen.  Bring your diamond ring to a jeweler once a year for upkeep, like you would do with a Mercedes or Persian cat.  The jeweler will give it a nice polishing and make sure the prongs are secure, so your diamond is safely trapped in its beautiful silver, gold or platinum prison.

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The best thing you can do for your diamond: 

Sell it.  The stark reality is that your diamond is a dirty little thing that desperately wants to get away from you.  Sell it with Diamond Lighthouse and you will receive more money for it than you thought imaginable.  Then you won’t have to worry about it getting smudged, lost or horribly scratched.  All you will need to worry about is where you’re going to spend the windfall of cash now in your possession.  Learn how to make it rain here.

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-Joe Leone 

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