10 Sparkling Resolutions …You Can Actually Keep

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Every year we tell ourselves that “this year will be the one that I finally quit smoking/start jogging/eliminate carbs/begin meditating/stop nail-biting/commence flossing/cease fire/initiate intimacy…” But let’s face it: you never even try any of these things, or if you do, your commitment to them fizzles out after a few days of self-loathing.

In an effort to actually make the transition from potential to kinetic energy, we’ve identified 10 resolutions that are too hard to maintain on their own, but with just a little editing, can be easily attained and followed through with ease.

1 – “I will exercise more!”

 

edit: “I will exercise (my thumbs) more (as I text up a storm)!”

Running around in the cold while your knees scream at up at you “Why are you doing this to us??  We thought we were friends?!” is no way to spend the new year.  Instead, you can get a vigorous workout as you furiously forward cool Instagram-pilfered images to your friends and loved ones, and engage in scintillating group message texting.

 

2 – “I will read more educational books.

edit: “I will read more educational (YouTube descriptions and occasionally, E-)books.”

Forcing yourself to soldier through a 1000+ page non-fiction tome on historic Civil War battles is not only flat out torturous, it isn’t going to improve your life in any way (unless you plan on dating a Great-Great-Granddaughter of the Revolution or something).  Watching hilarious clips online will put you in a consistently good mood.  You can even throw in random National Geographic clips if you want to feel significantly more…smarter.

 

3 – “I will jumpstart my career!”

edit: “I will jumpstart (my broken down Honda and drive cross country, completely forsaking my lame) career!”

You job is awful and it’s not going to get any better.  Let’s face the facts.  Spending all this energy on improving your station is going to end in disappointment, and possibly snarky co-workers laughing at you.  Why not hop in your car and see the world (or at least the better part of New Jersey)?

 

4 – “I will forgive those who have sinned against me.”

edit: “I will forgive (no one and exact revenge on all) who have sinned against me.”

 

Many a ‘Self-Help’ book will tell you that it’s absolutely essential to let go of grudges, to spiritually cleanse yourself of hate and anger, in order to move toward being a well adjusted and happy soul.  Well that’s just malarky.  There is no sweeter feeling than that of justice, and a well thought out, perfectly executed revenge plot can be a real thing of beauty.  Following through on this resolution is a piece of (delicious and vengeful) cake.

 

5 – “I will go skydiving, bungee jumping or some other death-defying act!”

edit: “I will go (immediately to a psychiatrist if I ever get the urge to go) skydiving, bungee jumping or some other death-defying act!”

Better than the adrenaline rush felt while you plummet to your certain death, when the parasail you’re clinging to malfunctions, is the intense and euphoric feeling of actually being alive.

 

6 – “I will stop being afraid to ask out my crush.”

edit: “I will stop being afraid (of being alone and will squelch any desire) to ask out my crush.”

The painfully awkward task of “asking someone out” is something no human should have to endure.  Aside from the initial butterflies and feelings of nausea, there is the significant chance they will say “no,” and the rejection will send you into an alcohol fueled tailspin of depression and a limitless intake of McDonald’s.  If you really like this person it should be obvious and they should ask you out (don’t try to follow the logic here, just save yourself the pain).

 

7 – “I will start keeping a journal of all my most intimate thoughts.”

edit: “I will (NOT) start keeping a journal of all my most intimate thoughts.”

Reading this later will only remind you of the fact that you didn’t read “War and Peace” or jumpstart your career.

 

8 – “I will not eat chocolate any more.”

edit: “I will not eat (for two consecutive days so I can really enjoy the) chocolate (ice cream, cakes, pies and) any (s’)more(s I encounter).

 

Just makes sense.

 

9 – “I will take a class.”

edit: “I will take a (break from always trying to look) class(y).”

That’s right: 2015 is the official year of sweatpants.  Comfort, comfort, comfort.  Can’t stress this enough.

Oh, and it’s also the official year of spontaneous, funky dance moves.

 

10 – “I will save my money wisely and start a mutual fund.”

edit: “I will save my (-self the huge headache of actual “financial planning” and earn) money wisely and (easily when I sell my diamond with Diamond Lighthouse.  When it’s all done, and I have tons of cash laying around my house, I may) start a mutual fund (or I may just blow it all on designer shoes).

If you are not already financially savvy/a good saver, it’s not going to change overnight.  Your only hope at landing a large windfall of cash is to sell something valuable.  You probably need your house (to live in) and your car too (to drive to places to…and possibly to live in), but if you have a diamond you will quickly realize that you don’t need it for anything.  Selling it with the best diamond brokerage company in the land (DiamondLighthouse.com) will be the best thing you ever did.  Diamond Lighthouse does all the hard work, while you sit back, collect the cash, and play on the internet and eat chocolate pies.  Now that’s a something you can accomplish with total resolve.

-Joe Leone

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