10 Things You Can’t Do While Wearing a Diamond

 

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Having a diamond is great, isn’t it?  You can sparkle in even the faintest of light, make your grubby friends, neighbors and relatives turn a sickly green pallor with envy, and use it to expertly scratch vengeful messages into your enemies’ cars.

Yet all good things must come to an end (never mind that “diamonds are forever” poppycock you may have heard).  Many people easily make the smart decision to sell their diamonds for a nice chunk of change, and for a variety of reasons.  Some need a little quick cash to buy the newest Ferragamo pumps this season, or maybe a black market kidney.  Others may use the money to go on a dream vacation to Dubai, Ibiza or Milwaukee.  Some buy new 25 carat diamonds for their 25th wedding anniversary and use the dough from the sale of their old diamond to pay the tax on that.

Inevitably though, others remain apprehensive.  “I can’t sell my diamond, I might need it for…something!”  Well, for those of you who still hold on to this nonsensical notion, be forewarned: there are actually a host of things you CAN’T do while wearing a diamond ring.  Read on…

10) Left handed bowling.

There are many instances where a freshly engaged bowling enthusiast hits the lanes, filled with glowing glee at the prospect of throwing strikes and later, getting hitched.  They hurl the ball down the shiny parquet lane and… “WHA? – where’s my ring??”  Oops.  It got stuck in the hefty orb and now it’s lost in the bowels of the pin collecting/ball returning machinery forever – and their impending marriage is headed straight for the gutter.

9) Win a breakdance competition. 

Here’s a typical, unfortunate circumstance: You’ve made it all the way through the semis, and even the quarter finals.  You are saving your best moves for the final event.  You complete your patented head-spin and seamlessly segue into a single handstand and -CRACK!- you look down and see your diamond has been jolted out of its mounting.  You then experience a similar fate, and collapse out of your pose to the unforgiving floor.  The crowd collectively looks down, shaking their disappointed heads.  You’ve blown the competition and ruined your ring.

8) Hand modeling career. 

Hand models can not wear rings of any nature.  Because of two words: ring tans.  Ergo, wearing a diamond ring will potentially ruin your entire digit specific modeling career, or in the very least, negatively impact your “America’s Next Top Hand Model” audition.

7) Enter thumb wrestling tournaments. 

Absolutely no rings allowed in these tiny rings.

6) Become an electrician.

Diamond ring bands are almost always made out of precious metals.  Precious metals (including platinum, gold, silver) are made out of metal.  Metal conducts electricity.  If you want work with high voltage A/C currents and wear a diamond ring, you will at some point become a human bar-b-que.  Mesquite style.

5) Give someone a well deserved backhand slap…without seriously hurting them.

Sometimes people talk.  And other times people talk so incessantly and provoke such vexation that they need a good ole fashioned backhand.  Now, the point of this slap is not to actually hurt, just to stun them (hopefully into using some sense and clamming up).  So if you are right handed, you want to use your weaker hand (the left), for minimal damage.  If you are wearing a diamond, the hardest substance on earth, you will undoubtedly leave a nasty mark on the loudmouthed recipient’s face.  This is clearly not the intention; you’re just trying to teach them an abrupt, concise and memorable lesson.

4) Pet a Persian cat.

The fur of the pretty Persian is long and wispy and when a diamond ring clad hand runs through it, it inevitably snags the sensitive strands and the feline turns from a content, purring pet into a volatile, demonic scratching hellion.  This also applies to Angora rabbits and curly haired children.

3) Execute a perfect, mid-air high five with someone else who has a diamond ring. 

If you attempt to high five someone, especially while performing an Olympic leap into the air, and they also are wearing a ring, the kinetic energy of both the rings will be multiplied exponentially upon impact, and it will generate an atomic-level blast, and everyone in a one mile radius will be incinerated.  Either that or it will just make a really unpleasant “cling!” sound.

2) Be a sushi chef

Sushi chefs are required to have an extensive knowledge of all types of edible sea creatures and how to properly slice and prepare them into delectable dishes.  The added weight and bulk of a diamond ring will hamper your expert cuts and your clumsiness can lead you to the incorrect cutting the Fugu (the puffer fish), which can cause you to inadvertently poison and murder your customers.

1) Shadow puppets

You may do a flawless duck with your hand, but the unintentional addition of a diamond ring to your duck’s bill will cause it to look like it has some sort of bizarre growth, and the children you are performing this for will have odd nightmares for weeks.

 

So, whether you want to get rid of your diamond engagement ring because you recently went through a divorce, or because you really, really love bowling, it’s clearly time to sell your diamond.  Come to Diamond Lighthouse , where after selling your diamond for the most money possible, there is nothing you can’t do.

…Except breakdance.  You probably never were good at that.

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-Joe Leone 

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