The Beautiful Benefits of Being Single on Valentine’s Day

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We’ve all been there at some point.  Seemingly everywhere you look, there are unfathomably cute couples, affectionately nuzzling each other and cooing with sickening glee.  As they babble endlessly in one another’s adorably enervating ears, in indecipherable baby-talk, you wonder “How come I can’t have that?”

But seriously…do you really want that?

Acceptable answers to this question are “Nope / uh-uh / nah / negative” and “NO.”  Here are two lists, one for guys and one for gals, detailing just of few of the immeasurable reasons why being unhitched on V-Day is the bee’s knees.

FELLAS

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Let’s start with the obvious.  This “holiday” was conceived by greeting card companies (we’re looking in your dastardly direction, Hallmark) and struggling florists looking to make a cheap buck.  So guess what?  This year those greedy so-and-so’s aren’t seeing a penny of your hard earned cashola.

In addition to the sheer annoying act of having to forcibly spend cash on this thoroughly unnecessary day, there is the added stress of having to decide on the standard (innocent) “chocolate & flowers” fare, or the (possibly risqué) lingerie option.  Will she think that you’re boring and uninventive with the former, or possibly prurient with the latter. …Not your problem this year!

Dinner.  Going out for a fancy meal on Valentine’s is not only expensive (most restaurants inflate their prices, or, even more vile, offer “specials” that superficially seem cheaper but have all these add-ons that end up costing way more than normal), but you’re also trapped in a room full of other couples all supposedly having the “romantic night of their lives.”  Essentially the equivalent of a love cult.  Well, this year you can hang with your bros, eat wings and watch Sports Center until the wee hours of the night.

While all of the aforementioned items are implicit in any V-day plan, there still is a major one lurking.  That’s right: jewelry.  Even the most humble, down to earth girl is expecting jewelry of some fashion on the 14th.  Why this is a thing, we’ll never truly know (well, actually we’re looking in your dirty direction, DeBeers), but it’s expected nonetheless.  Think of the joy you’ll experience spending that ‘jewelry dough’ on something useful for yourself, like a jumbo sized waffle maker or a beer dispensing helmet.

Final benefit: you don’t have to wear red or …dear lord… pink on this devilish day honoring The Cherub of Cruelty (Cupid).

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

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You can still indulge in all the fun feminine things that you like, like getting your nails and hair done, but don’t have to worry about the ones you abhor…like waxing.

Some of your friends may be worried that it’s “too soon” to celebrate Valentine’s with a new-ish boyfriend/‘person they are dating.’  Others may be worried that their long term relationship is getting stale, and this pseudo-holiday will only harshly highlight that sad fact.  Not you.  You don’t have to suffer through one iota of this nonsensical, fabricated anxiety.

Valentine’s can sometimes be an imposed “affection barometer.”  Two major things are considered: a) the degree to which your partner comes up with a romantic/charming plan for the two of you and b) the quantity and quality of things they buy you/the amount they spend on you.  If these things are not done adequately, then you end up feeling gloomy and possibly even inferior.  Many a Valentine’s night is ruined by this alone.  Luckily, this is not for you to concern yourself with!  Spend the night with your other single friends and watch rom-coms and reality TV, eat ice cream and talk about whatever girly things your heart desires!

The bars are completely full of single people.  If you’re out and about and you spot a particularly cute guy, well then you are in luck; odds are he is as free as the beautiful bird that you are.  Make eye contact and then let him worry about all the subsequent courting steps.  It’s Valentine’s Day, so he’ll definitely be doing his best to come off as charming and thoughtful and not like a typical clout.  Milk those free (expensive) drinks for all they are worth.

Final benefit: you don’t have to wear red or …dear lord… pink on this demonic day of The Cursed Archer (Cupid).

 

Happy Singling: doves be damned!

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-Joe Leone 

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