Tag Archives: coffee

How to Tell if You’re Broke

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So you’re cruising down the street in your hot new ride, checking out chicks in your designer shades and stylish vintage T.  You feel like king of the world.  Then, you catch your reflection in a chic boutique’s window: in actuality, you’re on your kid sister’s Razor scooter, your (plastic) sunglasses were won at a carnival, your t-shit is your own from 8th grade and has permanent pit stains and more holes than a colander.  Also, that ‘boutique’ is a dollar store.  You pause…a disturbing thought passes through your brain, “Am I…broke?”

Here’s how to tell:

You’re on a date, and you really want to impress this person – so you take the liberty of “Supersizing” their dinner.

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You make sure your checkbook is balanced by not signing a single check that you mail out.

You’ve decided to ‘continue your education’ by collecting every Snapple bottle you can get your hands on and committing to memory the scintillating “Snapple Facts” therein.

You’re always on time for work – because your old boss pities you and still allots you one pod from the Keurig each morning, despite the fact that you were laid off 8 months ago.

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You help the environment by recycling, as your income is solely based on tin cans you collect.  Also, you do not ever waste water: you never wash your clothes.

Instead of online dating, you prefer meeting people in person, especially because your neighbor changed their WiFi password and now you can’t get online.

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You are not impacted by credit card debt stress in the slightest – because your credit rating it is so bad at this point, the numbers of what you owe have simply lost all meaning (looking at your statement, you’re essentially a schnauzer trying to decode a Fibonacci sequence).

You never ‘spoil’ for your friends things that are happening on Games of Thrones – because your TV has a raccoon living in it.

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You spend quality time with your grandma, and then pillage her medicine cabinet for pharmaceuticals to sell to derelicts in various alleys (relax, her doctor over-prescribes anyway).

For a late day pick me up you hang around the Starbucks in the train station at evening rush hour.  Every once in a while you notice someone who is waiting for their beverage frantically up and leaves, trying to make their train – when their drink is finally placed on the counter, you covertly snatch it up and sip it with hidden glee.

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In order to reduce pollution and excess traffic, you routinely take public transportation, such as the bus, also you routinely sleep there.

You give back to the community by playing softball with the neighborhood kids – then you hit them repeatedly until they cough up their lunch money.

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If any of these things sound familiar, Magic 8 Ball says: you are indeed broke as a joke.  Fret not, though, gentle blog reader!  There are quite a few ways to become un-broke(n).  Getting your doctorate?  Nah, will take way too long, plus apparently college costs a lot of money.  Lemonade stand?  Nope – the market price of lemons is currently way too high, will kill your profit margins.  Sell you blood?  Sorry, there’s just not enough plasma in you to pay the rent.  So what’s an easy, efficient and highly profitable solution?  Sell your diamonds.  If you have diamond jewelry, now is the time to cash it in.  Diamond Lighthouse will find you the best price for your diamonds, every time.  Soon you’ll be rolling in so much dough, you’ll be able to cruise around the neighborhood in your very own Razor scooter.

Become un-broke NOW!

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-Joe Leone